and how we can manage them

The other day somebody asked me to write about how we can live with grief and sorrow. First of all I will say that it is up to the individual to define the reasons for grieving or feeling sorrowful.

We all go through life meeting grief in many ways. It is part of life. It can be something that happens to somone we know, or it can be something that happens to ourselves. How it effects us depends upon the circumstances:

Who is effected and by what? How did we learn to meet problems when we were young? What culture were we born into? What is our personality? At what age does it happen? Who is there to help us? Do we have previous griefs or sorrows that we have hidden and think we have forgotten? Have we learnt to rely on support from others, or have we been told to pull ourselves together and not show feelings? Have we learnt that crying is a sign of weakness? In daily living we are used to being in control of our feelings.

We think that if we give into our feelings we will lose control. But what are we afraid of? What is to lose control? Having courage to show feelings is a strength. We get more in touch with both ourselves and others when we dare to show feelings, both joy and sorrow.

And by surpressing feelings there can be a reaction later, even if something less disturbing happens. How we cope with new situations is often dependent on previous experience and learning.

Here is some advice on what we can do when we find life difficult.

• Take it seriously, listen to what soul and body has to say. Be honest with
  yourself about how you feel about what is happening.
• Talk to yourself, write letters, make drawings and paintings to clarify your own feelings and thoughts.
• Many of us find if embarassing to go to friends and ask for help. I often wonder why it is so much easier to offer our help to others, than it is to ask for it and to receive it?

My experience is that family and friends are more than happy to be of help, both with practical things and with advice or just to be present and listen, when they are asked. But of course there is always a danger that the person we ask for help is unable to offer it, often this will be because they get scared and will not face their own fear.

• Be good to yourself, do things to make the body relax, find ways either through music, yoga, massage, reflexology, walks on the beach or in the mountains, listen to the birds, the sea etc.
• Remember to eat and drink, but be careful with alcohol as a way of escaping.
• This is one of those times when sleeping tablets are recommended for a short period of time. It is important that you sleep, but remember that sleeping tablets deprive you of your dreams. Your dreams help you to deal with what has happened and are therefore good for you.
• When sorrow and grieving dominate life for longer than you would expect, it may be useful to take antidepressants for some months. Ask you doctor, but my opinion is that they are of little use unless they are combined with other ways to accept a new situation.

These other ways are often through professional help. Specialists will look upon the situation from another angle, and can make other possibilities and solutions and points of view clearer to you. We have different training and experience and use a variety of aids or tools.

I personally have worked mostly with people with cancer and their relatives. I therefore have some experience in how it is possible to accept and live with the fact that life ends long before expected. My methods are listening and clarifying what is being said, but I also make use of ”The Journey”, invented by an american woman named Brandon Bays.

This is a method where we forgive and accept what has happened. Massage and reflexology are other therapies I use.

A crisis can seem never ending, but if we handle it seriously, there are great possibilities for personal growth and development.